wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I checked into jail on foursquare
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
There's even glitter on my cock...
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