chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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