Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
