so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dear god my vagina.
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