So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
