I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
