i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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