Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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