i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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