I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
