even my farts smell like vagina
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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