This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
