I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
