i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
