just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
