sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
