I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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