my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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