I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
