Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
