The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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