I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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