my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
