I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
