how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
