used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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