Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
