WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
