i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
