she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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