does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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