he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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