new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
