none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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