Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I cut my penus on the lid.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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