Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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