my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
