Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
