took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
