the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
