If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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