at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
