Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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