Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
