My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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