she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I cut my penus on the lid.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
