My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
