My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
