I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I wear drunk well.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
