Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
